A Mix of Emotions

In the last few months I've been trying to find myself. My transition from high school to college was difficult, as is to be expected. I will be entering my junior year this coming fall and I have had so much to think on. I am currently a Graphic Design Major here at Freed-Hardeman University in Henderson, TN. Lately though I have considered changing that to a counseling degree because that is a field in which I feel that I could achieve and do so much.

I love art, it speaks to me, but I've always been such a "good listener." After seeing a counselor here on campus, I became more aware of my incredible potential for helping others in the same way.

Why did I start seeing a counselor? It's as simple as this: I listen to people a lot but I rarely take the time to tell others about my own troubles/worries. Because I kept it all "bottled-up" within me, I was not only carrying my burdens, but the burdens of others and it was affecting the way I was treating others and myself. Everything was backwards! My spiritual life was sluggish, my mind was a mess of emotions, and my heart was a marsh of logic.

I couldn't understand how I could be hanging out with friends and in the middle of having a good time, my mood would change drastically and I wouldn't want to be there any more. In the middle of all of the fun, I was the cold, angry one. As I would sit there, I'd get upset with myself because I couldn't understand why I was upset. So, not only was I "not in the mood" suddenly to hang out, but I was beating myself up in my head because I couldn't understand why I was being that way.

I still have my moments, but I feel more empowered and less lost in myself. After finding out that I am most likely suffering from bouts of Anxiety, I found peace in having a reason for my drastic changes in mood. Is it an excuse? Absolutely not! No, it’s more a reassurance that I am not inhuman, I have issues like everyone else. I was suffering from loneliness. My fear of abandonment by friends is something that really gets me down at times, however irrational it may be.

I distinctly remember a time in the last few weeks where I became aware of my “trigger” for the first time. My best friend came in really close to curfew and told me that the boy she liked practically told her that he liked her. Instead of feeling excitement, as any friend should, I felt an extreme burst of depression and loneliness. “Why?” I screamed within myself, “why am I doing this? I should be happy! I should be so excited for her!” I was shouting in my head but it didn’t do anything. I was upset. She could see it in my face, she knows me! And me? I felt so extremely guilt-ridden that I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I could see her face though, and I watched as her giddy joy melted into confusion and disappointment. I couldn’t stand it, I was awful, but I could not help it. There was nothing to do then but to realize the reason for me shutting off this way; it was my supreme fear of being deserted by those I loved. She was the last friend I had that was not in a relationship or had a very close best guy friend and it terrified me to think she was leaving me behind as well. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally okay with being alone, but something inside me was screaming and crying at me. The anxiety I was told I had finally had a face that portrayed abandonment and its ugly name was loneliness. After I explained all my thoughts to her I can now say that I know she finally understood that it was a struggle of mine and I was happy for her. 

I continue to work and find myself realizing that I've already grown so much in the past few months. Last night though was the first time in such a long time that I spent about an hour talking to God and what a wonderful relief that was. There is nothing better than finding peace in our Lord! As C. S. Lewis said, "God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." I finally find confidence in that statement, I can finally find my peace! 

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12 ESV).

Monday Mentions

While reading my bible yesterday during services, I stumbled upon this passage: 

"The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you" (Psalm 9:9-10 ESV).

Another glorious reminder that God is our rock and our shield. If we put our faith in him, if we rest all of our trust in him, we cannot go wrong. There is no way to be forsaken by our Lord if all of our trust is in him. I feel like God was reaching out to me when I saw this. It had been one of those days yesterday and I really needed some time with me and God. When I opened my bible and saw that, my heart was set at ease. 

Whatever I go through daily, it is never more than I can handle. There will be troubles and trials but God is always there making sure that we are not given more than we can handle. It's all about will power, isn't it? If I have the strength to trudge through the hard stuff, to put it all on God, then I will come out strong. I will come out victorious! 

Personal Purpose

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever..." (Psalm 138:8a).  

I personally have been going through a lot of things lately that I wish I wasn't. I've been feeling overwhelmed, confused, nostalgic, tired... And it's seemed like no matter where I turn, that trouble, that worry, those aggravations, they're all there with their eyes on me. This morning I felt especially burdened and then I saw the scripture above on Twitter. What a wonderful reminder! God has his purpose for me, of course, but I forget that daily! Like I posted a few days ago, God's love is never failing! It will endure forever! How can I not heave a sigh at that? My worries all but melt away, the tension in my body wanes, even my penetrating headache shrunk in intensity. Such a small verse, what a simple thing to say and yet, it means so much to me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me! His steadfast love endures forever! I have a purpose in this life, and God is its master. The purpose I am given by God is delivered to me through his never-ending love for me. So what then is there left to say but this: When you’re feeling down, there is nothing more comforting than knowing that God has a plan for you and his love drives that plan forward. Find peace in that alone!

Wednesday Night

On Wednesday night I went to the Finger Church of Christ to hear my brother speak. I'd like to think that both my brother and I have a lot to say, we just rarely get the opportunity. His lesson at Finger was wonderful and extraordinary, the insight was enriching. I felt especially enthralled to listen because we share the way we think. So much is different on the inside. I was so impressed with him, the depth in his words, the meaningful way he presented every phrase... it was enticing and I couldn't look away from him through the whole thing. Maybe I was the only one so interested, maybe not. Either way, lately I feel like I haven't been getting as much out of worship as I'd like to and last night I finally got what I needed, what I was searching for. Just something that was on my mind. 

Problem Solvers

The quickest way through the marsh is not to go around, but to roll up our pant legs and trudge on through. When we have problems in life, the worst thing to do is think we can just skirt around it. We need to always remember the importance of facing our problems head on. Though some situations and difficulties vary in intensity, there is no better way to deal with a situation than to embrace it and learn from the outcomes. We will always have trials and tribulations, but the way that we handle them will define who we are and who’s we are for eternity. 

Just a little thought for the day!

May God watch over and continue to bless us all!

Love Like God Loves

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that" (Martin Luther King Jr.).

This is just a reminder that love goes so much further than hate. Today I'd like to look at 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 in the English Standard Version. I'd like to reflect on the importance of Love. 

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing" (1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV).

There is nothing as powerful as love... if there was then God wouldn't be so known for his. That love reaches out to all of God's children! How can we then not show love to one another when God gives his to all of his creation? 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV).

God does not show us his love my forcing it upon us in a smothering way. We can choose to accept his love or choose to ignore it. By ignoring that love, we ignore the very thing that binds us to him. In the same way, we have to remember that our love must spread to all of mankind and God's creation but understand that not everyone is going to want it. Just because someone doesn't want the love we are to give, doesn't mean we should ever stop loving. Love is never-ending! Never-failing... it is a fire that cannot be put out, a thirst that can never be quenched, an emotion that cannot be tamed. We are the epitome of love. Because of this fact, there is no way to believe that we can live without it.

Here's the rest of the passage for you all to read if you'd like to, I love it! ;)

"Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:8-13 ESV).

Winter Weather in West Tennessee

Well, fall is finally here in this area! I'd have to say I'm a little underprepared, but I guess my hoodies will do. I can't very well walk around toting my blanket on my shoulders, no matter how much I would like to! I had a very relaxing weekend; I can’t express to you all how much I needed it, too. I’ve been so busy with tests, projects, performances, and my job… I was so very excited for a few days that were stress-free and that is exactly what I got.

My family came down Friday for my brothers Harvest Party and that was a lot of fun. We carved pumpkins, grilled out, drank cider, and ended the evening singing praises to God—what an uplifting way to finish if I do say so myself! I then went and watched a movie with a couple friends and went back to spend the night with my family.

That next morning we got up early—one of my friends said there’s no such thing as Saturday morning, there’s Friday night, and Saturday afternoon and I can’t agree more with him. We all went shopping for groceries and for a few new pieces of clothing for me and then headed back to get ready for the Carothers’s Hayride that night.

I had so much fun there with the hayride with friends, smores, and singing hymns to God. We got back around 9:00 from that and then watched Puss in Boots at my brothers house with my family and some pals from school. There was nothing about this weekend I didn’t enjoy!

Yesterday I said goodbye to my family and then after services last night, I carved pumpkins with my best friend, I made Pikachu, he’s pretty much awesome. :P

All in all I feel so blessed in my life because I have so much!

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be touched—they must be felt with the heart” (Helen Keller).