Sunday, January 4, 2015

Truth Be Told

Well here I am. It's been a really long time, hasn't it? I guess time gets away from you when you're always trying to manage it. Where to begin? I guess you might be wondering why I'm sitting here, wide awake at 1:30 am, typing up my feelings. To put it simply, sometimes you just can't sleep unless your mind is clear. I had a good long talk with God tonight before I crawled in to bed after playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare for way too long only to realize I haven't talked to Him in a while either. It's sad to me that my priorities have been skewed by, well, simply a lack of desire. After so much work at school to keep up grades, meet pressing deadlines, manage friends, family, and work, and grow in my faith, I stopped trying. I finished my semester, I met my deadlines, I handled a couple friends, I showed up for work, I talked to my family, but my faith has hit a lull. 

Isn't it the easiest thing in the world to get caught up in all of the busy and forget to factor in your faith? There I go again, being another stereotype; typical human Christian: go figure, I'm not perfect, surprise. (;

In the last year I've accomplished much and I can easily say I've grown a lot. I've had some pretty crazy ups and some pretty stellar downs and all of them have gotten me here. I'm always on a search for happiness but God never says that he just wants me to be happy, does He (that's a rhetorical question, for those who cared to know). 

Truth Be Told
I've found myself face-to-face with the reality of being less than I want to be and more than I deserve. For as long as I can remember I've been told I have enough talent to share and still have some to spare, but it's easy to underrate talent when compared to life goals. I guess by this point, 5 years ago, I planned to have a drive for my career, a guy to support me, and an income to support our goals, too. Sadly, I'm not driven in the my goals for my career of being a Counselor or Art Therapist because deep down I think I'd always planned to be dependent on another by now. I know, go figure! Call me old fashioned, but I don't want to be the bread-winner. I am perfectly okay with staying home, doing that wifey stuff, working part time, etc. Now I don't need all that flack about how I "don't need no man" or any of that other stuff, trust me, I know. I'm just saying that I finally realized that my goals were set for two and it's an eye-opening (and rather un-motivating) realization. 

Don't get me wrong people, I'm good alone. In fact, I've gone a solid year without a hard-core crush and what a weight that is off of my shoulders! Life is so much easier when you don't care what you wear because there's no one to impress. It's flat exhausting giving two stones about a person that won't ever give you a pebble back, let alone one of your precious stones. That old phrase with the flower comes to mind: "He loves me, he loves me not." Why tease yourself and why ruin a perfectly good flower? Honestly I think, if we're all honest with ourselves, the saying should go: "She loves him, he loves her not." Honestly just being funny, I'm not heartbroken, just a realist and we all know it's true.

The fatal truth is that nothing is new under the sun (I learned that from God's word) and we all deal with the same things in the end. We've all loved someone who loved another and didn't give us a second glance. Needless to say, I'm tired of wearing rose-tinted goggles while homeboy is wearing binoculars trained on the stars. Truth be told, I'm just on stand-by until someone decides to tune in to my station because I'm tired of tweaking my frequency so that the listener hears less static. Did that makes sense? Were the metaphors too much? Hahaha! I'm sorry, I won't delete them. They're kind of growing on me. 

In the typical 8 semesters you're in college (or more for some), you have a plan to have 1 roommate for a long time. I mean, come on! You see it in the movies, you read it in books: one roommate that becomes your best friend and you just hit it off and stay friends forever? Yeah... movies are missing the majority, I suppose. I'm going in to my 8th semester and, after recounting last night, I'll be going in to it with my 9th roommate. Don't get me wrong, I've had a couple super roommates, but I tend to be that one that people stay with until what they wanted opens up. Some people are the gateway to happiness I suppose, and I'm pretty good at that. I'm not putting myself on any higher place or anything, but I tend to be a "listener" and "advice giver", and everyone knows that those people tend to be the most... walked on I suppose. I wouldn't trade my talent for listening and objectively giving feedback for the world but in moments like these it get's a bit hard. I'm done with dorm life, done with being let down, over the cutesy room stuff, fed up with the rearranging of my own life to fit others, and I guess that I'm ready to be selfish. Is it right? By no means, but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't struggle with the desire to be selfish. 

Any way, pity party over (I can hear your thank you's from here, please quiet down, you're messing with my mojo). 

If anyone is still reading (and bless you're heart if you are. I might just love you), In this last year I've gone above and beyond what I expected in my painting career and fallen even more in love with oil on canvas. I've learned some pretty valuable studying skills (finally) and managed to keep my GPA nice and high. I've made spectacular memories in New Zealand with some pretty stellar people as we carried God's Word with us. I saw some favorite bands: Twenty One Pilots, Panic! At the Disco, OneRepublic, The Script. I had a job this summer at a Dollar Tree in town which really wasn't all that bad (I actually kind of enjoyed it... plus the money). I've made some awesome friends that I hope to keep around for a bit longer. Hey, I even lost 20 lbs this summer by eating right. 
So don't get me wrong, It's been a fantastic year.

Rambles or Advice?
In reflection, I wouldn't change a thing about this last year except my reliance on God. The old and faithful have preached it a million times over: find your rest in God, give it all to Him, and it'll all work out. No doubt, truly: I believe that in every way. Here's the thing though... you also need your Christian brothers and sisters. I mean, God told us that this life wouldn't be easy. We've been told we'll face trials that test our faith, but no where does it say that we have to (or should) face our hurdles alone. So, yes! Give it ALL to God in EVERY way with ALL your heart, soul, and mind, but don't be afraid to let someone in to see what you're struggling with. After all, God made Eve for Adam, didn't He? We live in a time of disconnect and somewhere along the line we all became afraid of vulnerability. I'm no fool, I know it's hard and I know I'm one of THE. WORST. at being vulnerable, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep trying. The best way to deal with what drowns you is to find someone who can't tread water either. Besides, you float a lot better when someone is there to help you build a raft. 

People are energy, friends can be our personal saviors, God provided people for a reason. Jesus may not be physical any more, but God's works are through His people and I see it the most when I lean on a friend and they lean back. I guess I want to remind everyone that you're not alone. More often than not, the thing you struggle with most is also a struggle for the person sitting next to you. You know that, I just wanted to remind you. I pray you all have a blessed day and please keep me in mind the next time you speak to God. 

In Him


Megan Tippett said...
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Megan Tippett said...

I know exactly what you're meaning, because I have been exactly there myself! Although at the time I wanted to gouge my ex-boyfriend's eyes out and throw them into the fires of Mordor, it's because (I now realize) that I took every break-up personally, and I thought it was because something was wrong with me that I couldn't make them happy. Every previous boyfriend felt like a poker to my self-esteem. You are not a 'sometimes' friend, and I SO WISH that I could be there with you right now! After graduating, I had a lot of issues with moving back home, leaving all of my friends, trying to find a job, then working myself to death (not exactly literally, but...) Things will fall into place for you. I think God has a way of surprising us. The year that I decided I wouldn't marry (for at least 5 or so years) so that I could pursue a certain career, I found my husband. God sure does have a way of turning our wisdom into foolishness. In His time. :) Keep your head up. You are so loved!!!