Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Mix of Emotions

In the last few months I've been trying to find myself. My transition from high school to college was difficult, as is to be expected. I will be entering my junior year this coming fall and I have had so much to think on. I am currently a Graphic Design Major here at Freed-Hardeman University in Henderson, TN. Lately though I have considered changing that to a counseling degree because that is a field in which I feel that I could achieve and do so much.

I love art, it speaks to me, but I've always been such a "good listener." After seeing a counselor here on campus, I became more aware of my incredible potential for helping others in the same way.

Why did I start seeing a counselor? It's as simple as this: I listen to people a lot but I rarely take the time to tell others about my own troubles/worries. Because I kept it all "bottled-up" within me, I was not only carrying my burdens, but the burdens of others and it was affecting the way I was treating others and myself. Everything was backwards! My spiritual life was sluggish, my mind was a mess of emotions, and my heart was a marsh of logic.

I couldn't understand how I could be hanging out with friends and in the middle of having a good time, my mood would change drastically and I wouldn't want to be there any more. In the middle of all of the fun, I was the cold, angry one. As I would sit there, I'd get upset with myself because I couldn't understand why I was upset. So, not only was I "not in the mood" suddenly to hang out, but I was beating myself up in my head because I couldn't understand why I was being that way.

I still have my moments, but I feel more empowered and less lost in myself. After finding out that I am most likely suffering from bouts of Anxiety, I found peace in having a reason for my drastic changes in mood. Is it an excuse? Absolutely not! No, it’s more a reassurance that I am not inhuman, I have issues like everyone else. I was suffering from loneliness. My fear of abandonment by friends is something that really gets me down at times, however irrational it may be.

I distinctly remember a time in the last few weeks where I became aware of my “trigger” for the first time. My best friend came in really close to curfew and told me that the boy she liked practically told her that he liked her. Instead of feeling excitement, as any friend should, I felt an extreme burst of depression and loneliness. “Why?” I screamed within myself, “why am I doing this? I should be happy! I should be so excited for her!” I was shouting in my head but it didn’t do anything. I was upset. She could see it in my face, she knows me! And me? I felt so extremely guilt-ridden that I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I could see her face though, and I watched as her giddy joy melted into confusion and disappointment. I couldn’t stand it, I was awful, but I could not help it. There was nothing to do then but to realize the reason for me shutting off this way; it was my supreme fear of being deserted by those I loved. She was the last friend I had that was not in a relationship or had a very close best guy friend and it terrified me to think she was leaving me behind as well. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally okay with being alone, but something inside me was screaming and crying at me. The anxiety I was told I had finally had a face that portrayed abandonment and its ugly name was loneliness. After I explained all my thoughts to her I can now say that I know she finally understood that it was a struggle of mine and I was happy for her. 

I continue to work and find myself realizing that I've already grown so much in the past few months. Last night though was the first time in such a long time that I spent about an hour talking to God and what a wonderful relief that was. There is nothing better than finding peace in our Lord! As C. S. Lewis said, "God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." I finally find confidence in that statement, I can finally find my peace! 

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12 ESV).


Amanda said...

I see myself in your posts. I feel so similar its scary.

Rebecka Simpson said...

Thanks for your input!